There was a period of 17 years where I was on a couple of anti-depressants. I’m sharing this because I think my experience might be helpful for you or someone you know. I started taking them while I was teaching high school full time in the 1980s. My problem started gradually. I would be in class and start crying for no apparent reason. The problem gradually got worse for me. It was different than just feeling sad on a Sunday evening as I was getting ready for another week. It was unstoppable silent tears that would start unexpectedly in the middle of a class or between classes and even at home. Eventually, I consulted my doctor and after some discussion, I agreed to try an anti-depressant. I also agreed to go to counseling. I knew I was too busy working, being a mom to Angie and her two younger brothers. The boys and Angie were all doing okay in school. I was married to a very organized and detail-oriented engineer and my parents were at our house daily to help out. It should have been a practically perfect life, right?
Since life wasn’t so perfect inside me, I started counseling and Paxil (paroxetine) and gradually got my emotions and my tears under control. It took a couple of weeks for the medication to take effect. Thankfully, the tears were eventually under control! I was relieved to go to work dry-eyed. The part that didn’t pass was the Sunday afternoon and evening feeling of depression in anticipation of going back to school where I knew I would be flat out until the next Friday afternoon. The counselor worked with me to adjust my perception of my self-inflicted expectations of what I needed to do both at work and at home. I was always conscientious and the person who wanted to keep the peace and make others happy both at home and at school. I wanted to be a good wife, daughter, mother, friend, and teacher. People may have thought my challenges were due to having a handicapped child, but that really wasn’t the reason. Today, I honestly think I have a little OCD and an enormous need for peace in day to day relationships. That being said I learned from counseling, reading and writing a gratitude journal that I could decide to be happy and I continue to make that decision every day.
The seventeen years passed quickly, the boys graduated and went on to college, Angie went on to Beckman Center. I had a five-year break from teaching because Angie needed more care and my parents were less able to help us. We built a beautiful new house. We lost my Dad in 1999 and my Mom in 2000. And I was without tears through it all. In hindsight, I think my doctor should have counseled me after six months or year to find a way to get off the antidepressants. He never encouraged me to consider alternatives once and just kept renewing the prescription (He did change it up once for another version of the drug). It had become routine for me, even though I hadn’t gone to therapy in years. When I finally did get off, it was because of my husband. Sadly, I stopped cold turkey without going to see a doctor. What a mistake!!! In about a week I was completely crazy. I had to run away. My life dramatically changed as did Angie’s. She stayed at home with her dad and the help of home health care aids, while I came and went. It took a couple of years to feel like myself again without any medication. We all survived the anti-depressant fiasco, but we were never the same again. I’m sharing this because I understand the need for help with depression, especially when you have to care for a child with special needs, plus do all the other things life requires. I also understand the dangers when doctors just keep writing prescriptions for years without challenging their patients to find solutions in other healthier ways. So, if you need antidepressants take them, but take them with caution and be aware that your doctor may not keep up to date with the changes in your life. He or she may not regularly assess your need for the medication, so please remember that you have to do that for yourself.